Week 5 Preview: Copycat Edition

My how time flies when you're having fun. A quarter of the regular season is over and it seems like just yesterday we were anxiously awaiting the first kickoff of the year. Since we're a quarter of the way there, here's an update on standings in each division.




In the east, JW has a firm grip on first place with a 3-1 record. Behind him are Jason P, Sashi, Pappy, and Handy at 2-2, and finally, Smokey the Bear at 1-3.




The West is much more competitive with three teams at 3-1. Paula Dean, Phil Thickelson, and Ken? are all sitting at 3-1 while Nice Dean, Phillatio and myself, Fat Peyton Manning, are at 1-3.




I don't have the time, unfortunately, to write up a huge thing with recipes and whatnot, so here's this week's preview. If you don't like it, write your own blog!


Barrow is a Njoku vs Dental Damnation


Casey has the edge at running back, but not at WR as Mandy has two of the best WRs in the game thanks to her fucking husband, the trade rapee. Handy wins this one because of the volume of catches.


Sashi vs Your Gurley is Thielen Me


The trades are supposed to help your team Alex, not send you down a dark spiral to Shittsburgh. Jason P bends Sashi over a barrel.


Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich vs Finkle is Einhorn


This will be a close one and could come down to what Josh Gordon can do with a real quarterback under center. JW takes this one.


Extra Regular Style vs Coop a Loop


I don't need to write about Mel Gibson's team anymore..... he's going to beat up on all of us until he can't keep Kamara. Cory wins again.


Gonna Give You that Bad Juju vs Deanie Baby


This will be a close one, both teams have a decent chance at coming out on top. I personally see Phil Thickelson winning here.


Rocks Rocks vs Flacco is Fucking Elite


I'd like to say I'll win, but I haven't been winning and Ken has been beating ass. He beats me up pretty bad this week and I start to hate fantasy football.


NOW  that we have that out of the way, I decided to copy Casey's format last week and have a one-on-one chat with last season's champion, Sashi.... here's what he had to say:

Everybody in the league has something to say about you, and most of it isn’t flattering. What message do you have for everybody in the league?

- My message can only be summed up in one way: Y'all are jelly like Smuckers.


As the defending champion, do you have any added pressure to win?


- Quite the contrary. It's on the bobo's and asshats that have doubted my methods with the most contempt. If they are so trash, it shouldn't be a problem beating me this year, RIGHT?


You are known for trades and more trades. Is there a method to your madness?

- There sure is, and I'm sure as shit not going to reveal that here. Just keep y'all's phone's charged.


Tell me the first thing that comes to your head when you hear......
Mandy
-Potential trade partner. A scary team, that's definitely not my fault at all for helping to create. Nope. Not me.


Cory
-Potential trade partner. Won the keeper rule sweepstakes, but that's all ol' Papa John will win this year if I have anything to say about it. #peopledon'tforget


Casey
-Potential trade partner. The only Njoku was this Nancy bear building his team around Lenny McSofthammies.


JW
-Potential trade partner. If it wasn't for Mahomes, this team would be diarrhea stew with taint-dandruff seasoning, which is a delicacy in the underground moleman village where JW lives.
Jason P.

-Potential trade partner. A good QB hoarder with the unluckiest roster-talent-to-record ratio. Might need to shake things up (by trading with ya boy).


Dean

-Potential trade partner. Needs to turn back into Mean Dean to turn things around (by trading with ya boy).



Phil
-Potential trade partner. But my goodness, Philly, what are you doing? Like.......what are you even, like.....doing?


Storey
-Potential trade partner (if he decides to KEEP HIS WORD ON TRADES). It doesn't matter what you do, your curse is undefeated.


Ken
-Potential trade partner. Beating more and more ass each week with the utmost kindness and positivity.


Pat
-Potential trade partner (when he stops being too cool for trades). If you could put defenses in the RB spot, you'd be set!


Jason G
-Potential trade partner. Flacco is not currently, has never been, and will never be "elite".


In closing, what makes Alex Garrison the guy to beat this year?


- Game recognize game, and Y'ALL LOOKIN PRETTY UNFAMILIAR RIGHT NOW.


Week 5 Haiku:


Quarter of the way
Football season moves too fast
No pictures this week