Week 4 Preview (Part 2): Casey Edition

 

James Wynn III Has Something to Say (About Literally Everyone)

The Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich owner has proven to be one of the Christman Cup League’s top owners- and one of its premier trash talkers. Here, the owner sounds off on other owners, the moves they’ve made thus far, and anything else irritating him at the moment.

Perhaps this is to be expected. In his first 6 seasons in the Christman Cup League, James Wynn III hasn’t quite let his team’s play speak for itself. He infamously talked smack to Kyle Storey – calling his fellow team owner a Rite Aid Phil Mickelson, exchanged jabs with Cory Valentine- his spirit animal, and even went so far as to call Jason Garrison a Rite Aid Phil Mickelson because he thought he was Kyle Storey.

Of course, the unofficial rules of trash talking dictate that you can’t talk shit unless you can back it up. And here it helps that the 32 year old might just have the best squad in the CCL. Currently sitting atop the CCL East Division standings, James Wynn appears to have a surplus of hot takes that he’s more than willing to share.

CNV: Mr. Wynn, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me today. How’s your day going so far?

JW3: Who are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?

CNV: Umm, you called my office and asked to setup an interview…

JW3: I’ve never called an office in my entire life. 

CNV: Well maybe you didn’t know you were calling an office when you dialed the number, but in this case the number you dialed was to my office…so congrats, you called your first office…So that’s fun, right?

JW3: *stares back at me with dead eyes and the opposite of a smile*

CNV: *nervously clears throat* So what’s on your mind these days?

JW3: How easy it’s gonna be to win the CCL this year. And if Tarzan was a virgin when he met Jane or was he beating gorilla cheeks that whole time.

CNV: Oh wow, that’s pretty brash talk after Week 3. You’ve had some pretty epic playoff performances – for the wrong reasons, so why so confident now?

JW3: For starters, I trade raped a Land Cloud. 

CNV: I’m familiar with that expression but, given today’s political climate, I’m not sure it’s kosher to say that anymore. Plus, you said you did it to a Land Cloud, which is just confusing. So, you’re saying you had nonconsensual relations with a visible mass of condensed water vapor? Would a Land Cloud even mind?

JW3: He accepted the trade, so guess not. All I know is I’ve won two straight and SaQuads is ballin. And yes.

CNV: I see you are one of the three CCL owners to make a trade with Alex Garrison.

JW3: You mean Trades “R” Us? Yea I Cosby’d the shit outta him

CNV: Yes, that’s definitely who I’m talking about. It appears he’s trying to trade his way to a second straight CCL Championship.

JW3: First off, he’s trash. Second, that championship was trash. Third, he dirty brown water trash.

CNV: How can you call a CCL Championship trash?

JW3: Even Trash gets lucky sometimes. He’s trying that same trashy bullshit this year and look what that’s got him. That roster looks like a poopy diaper covered in thrown up Indian food and sprinkled with rat feces.

CNV: I’ve had a hart time keeping up with all his trades. So maybe we should take a look at each trade.

JW3: Serve it up, Panchito.

CNV: Please don’t ever call me that again.

CNV: Okay, he first traded Brandin Cooks for Trey Burton. How did he do there?

JW3: so he traded a bonafide WR1 for a TE with a 12yr old as his QB. Straight trash homie

CNV: That’s a pretty fair criticism given how Cooks has performed so far this year. I’m especially curious what your thoughts were on the infamous Garrison ßà Garrison trade on September 15^th. What the hell happened there? And if you can’t remember the entire trade, here’s the complete terms of the deal:

GARR traded Chris Thompson, Wsh RB to ALEX
GARR traded Jimmy Graham, GB TE to ALEX
GARR traded Kerryon Johnson, Det RB to ALEX
GARR traded Josh Gordon, NE WR to ALEX

ALEX traded James Conner, Pit RB to GARR
ALEX traded Michael Thomas, NO WR to GARR
ALEX traded Trey Burton, Chi TE to GARR
ALEX traded Jamaal Williams, GB RB to GARR   

JW3: one word you jabroni: COLLUSION. With a side of un-lubed buttplay.  The only way you do this trade is if the other person owns your b-hole

CNV: Well that was far more graphic than I could’ve ever possibly imagined. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle your answer, but the third trade Alex Garrison made was with you. Care to take us behind the scenes on how that trade developed and was consummated?

JW3: Yeah I took the dolphin approach, you see. I’m all innocent just flipping in the ocean doing tricks and shit and you just throwing me fish..mackerel..and just loving it. I made him feel all safe. Like there’s no way this precious creature of the deep sea could harm him. Then when he feeds me that last fish...I WRAPPED MY 15ft RETRACTABLE PENIS AROUND HIS NECK AND TOOK WHAT I DEEMED MINES

CNV: I think I need to take a hot shower and drink some purel. I’m just going to leave a list of the other teams in the league and you can email me your quick take on each.

CNV: Dental Dam Nation

JW3: She aight. Two best receivers on her squad with the GOAT at the helm.

CNV: Gonna give you that bad JuJu

JW3: This walking bouncy castle got a decent squad. Dance moves is trash tho [Editor’s Note: They aren’t]

CNV: Rocks Rocks

JW3: Trash. Big ups Mr. Storey!

CNV: DollaDollaBills BoutDaBenjamins

JW3: didn’t i just beat him? Wtf is your team name??

CNV: Deanie Baby

JW3: I swear I didn’t even know he was still in the league

CNV: Barrow is a Njoku

JW3: Barrow is a Njoku. He’s also a black asshole that trades for busted RBs whose offense runs better without them. Yo squad trash tho too. FOH

CNV: Nothing but a Jimmy G Thang

JW3: yo squad garbage just like yo qb’s knee

CNV: Coop a loop

JW3: Phil you dick. Yo team name garbage. Whole squad a bunch of backups and old men

CNV: Finkle is Einhorn

JW3: he ain’t gunna play man just let him go

CNV: Extra Regular Style

JW3: Can’t wait till you can’t keep Kamara anymore ya ole sterling shepard motherfucka