Week 5 Preview: Copycat Edition

My how time flies when you're having fun. A quarter of the regular season is over and it seems like just yesterday we were anxiously awaiting the first kickoff of the year. Since we're a quarter of the way there, here's an update on standings in each division.




In the east, JW has a firm grip on first place with a 3-1 record. Behind him are Jason P, Sashi, Pappy, and Handy at 2-2, and finally, Smokey the Bear at 1-3.




The West is much more competitive with three teams at 3-1. Paula Dean, Phil Thickelson, and Ken? are all sitting at 3-1 while Nice Dean, Phillatio and myself, Fat Peyton Manning, are at 1-3.




I don't have the time, unfortunately, to write up a huge thing with recipes and whatnot, so here's this week's preview. If you don't like it, write your own blog!


Barrow is a Njoku vs Dental Damnation


Casey has the edge at running back, but not at WR as Mandy has two of the best WRs in the game thanks to her fucking husband, the trade rapee. Handy wins this one because of the volume of catches.


Sashi vs Your Gurley is Thielen Me


The trades are supposed to help your team Alex, not send you down a dark spiral to Shittsburgh. Jason P bends Sashi over a barrel.


Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich vs Finkle is Einhorn


This will be a close one and could come down to what Josh Gordon can do with a real quarterback under center. JW takes this one.


Extra Regular Style vs Coop a Loop


I don't need to write about Mel Gibson's team anymore..... he's going to beat up on all of us until he can't keep Kamara. Cory wins again.


Gonna Give You that Bad Juju vs Deanie Baby


This will be a close one, both teams have a decent chance at coming out on top. I personally see Phil Thickelson winning here.


Rocks Rocks vs Flacco is Fucking Elite


I'd like to say I'll win, but I haven't been winning and Ken has been beating ass. He beats me up pretty bad this week and I start to hate fantasy football.


NOW  that we have that out of the way, I decided to copy Casey's format last week and have a one-on-one chat with last season's champion, Sashi.... here's what he had to say:

Everybody in the league has something to say about you, and most of it isn’t flattering. What message do you have for everybody in the league?

- My message can only be summed up in one way: Y'all are jelly like Smuckers.


As the defending champion, do you have any added pressure to win?


- Quite the contrary. It's on the bobo's and asshats that have doubted my methods with the most contempt. If they are so trash, it shouldn't be a problem beating me this year, RIGHT?


You are known for trades and more trades. Is there a method to your madness?

- There sure is, and I'm sure as shit not going to reveal that here. Just keep y'all's phone's charged.


Tell me the first thing that comes to your head when you hear......
Mandy
-Potential trade partner. A scary team, that's definitely not my fault at all for helping to create. Nope. Not me.


Cory
-Potential trade partner. Won the keeper rule sweepstakes, but that's all ol' Papa John will win this year if I have anything to say about it. #peopledon'tforget


Casey
-Potential trade partner. The only Njoku was this Nancy bear building his team around Lenny McSofthammies.


JW
-Potential trade partner. If it wasn't for Mahomes, this team would be diarrhea stew with taint-dandruff seasoning, which is a delicacy in the underground moleman village where JW lives.
Jason P.

-Potential trade partner. A good QB hoarder with the unluckiest roster-talent-to-record ratio. Might need to shake things up (by trading with ya boy).


Dean

-Potential trade partner. Needs to turn back into Mean Dean to turn things around (by trading with ya boy).



Phil
-Potential trade partner. But my goodness, Philly, what are you doing? Like.......what are you even, like.....doing?


Storey
-Potential trade partner (if he decides to KEEP HIS WORD ON TRADES). It doesn't matter what you do, your curse is undefeated.


Ken
-Potential trade partner. Beating more and more ass each week with the utmost kindness and positivity.


Pat
-Potential trade partner (when he stops being too cool for trades). If you could put defenses in the RB spot, you'd be set!


Jason G
-Potential trade partner. Flacco is not currently, has never been, and will never be "elite".


In closing, what makes Alex Garrison the guy to beat this year?


- Game recognize game, and Y'ALL LOOKIN PRETTY UNFAMILIAR RIGHT NOW.


Week 5 Haiku:


Quarter of the way
Football season moves too fast
No pictures this week

Week 4 Preview (Part 2): Casey Edition

 

James Wynn III Has Something to Say (About Literally Everyone)

The Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich owner has proven to be one of the Christman Cup League’s top owners- and one of its premier trash talkers. Here, the owner sounds off on other owners, the moves they’ve made thus far, and anything else irritating him at the moment.

Perhaps this is to be expected. In his first 6 seasons in the Christman Cup League, James Wynn III hasn’t quite let his team’s play speak for itself. He infamously talked smack to Kyle Storey – calling his fellow team owner a Rite Aid Phil Mickelson, exchanged jabs with Cory Valentine- his spirit animal, and even went so far as to call Jason Garrison a Rite Aid Phil Mickelson because he thought he was Kyle Storey.

Of course, the unofficial rules of trash talking dictate that you can’t talk shit unless you can back it up. And here it helps that the 32 year old might just have the best squad in the CCL. Currently sitting atop the CCL East Division standings, James Wynn appears to have a surplus of hot takes that he’s more than willing to share.

CNV: Mr. Wynn, thank you for taking the time to sit down with me today. How’s your day going so far?

JW3: Who are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?

CNV: Umm, you called my office and asked to setup an interview…

JW3: I’ve never called an office in my entire life. 

CNV: Well maybe you didn’t know you were calling an office when you dialed the number, but in this case the number you dialed was to my office…so congrats, you called your first office…So that’s fun, right?

JW3: *stares back at me with dead eyes and the opposite of a smile*

CNV: *nervously clears throat* So what’s on your mind these days?

JW3: How easy it’s gonna be to win the CCL this year. And if Tarzan was a virgin when he met Jane or was he beating gorilla cheeks that whole time.

CNV: Oh wow, that’s pretty brash talk after Week 3. You’ve had some pretty epic playoff performances – for the wrong reasons, so why so confident now?

JW3: For starters, I trade raped a Land Cloud. 

CNV: I’m familiar with that expression but, given today’s political climate, I’m not sure it’s kosher to say that anymore. Plus, you said you did it to a Land Cloud, which is just confusing. So, you’re saying you had nonconsensual relations with a visible mass of condensed water vapor? Would a Land Cloud even mind?

JW3: He accepted the trade, so guess not. All I know is I’ve won two straight and SaQuads is ballin. And yes.

CNV: I see you are one of the three CCL owners to make a trade with Alex Garrison.

JW3: You mean Trades “R” Us? Yea I Cosby’d the shit outta him

CNV: Yes, that’s definitely who I’m talking about. It appears he’s trying to trade his way to a second straight CCL Championship.

JW3: First off, he’s trash. Second, that championship was trash. Third, he dirty brown water trash.

CNV: How can you call a CCL Championship trash?

JW3: Even Trash gets lucky sometimes. He’s trying that same trashy bullshit this year and look what that’s got him. That roster looks like a poopy diaper covered in thrown up Indian food and sprinkled with rat feces.

CNV: I’ve had a hart time keeping up with all his trades. So maybe we should take a look at each trade.

JW3: Serve it up, Panchito.

CNV: Please don’t ever call me that again.

CNV: Okay, he first traded Brandin Cooks for Trey Burton. How did he do there?

JW3: so he traded a bonafide WR1 for a TE with a 12yr old as his QB. Straight trash homie

CNV: That’s a pretty fair criticism given how Cooks has performed so far this year. I’m especially curious what your thoughts were on the infamous Garrison ßà Garrison trade on September 15^th. What the hell happened there? And if you can’t remember the entire trade, here’s the complete terms of the deal:

GARR traded Chris Thompson, Wsh RB to ALEX
GARR traded Jimmy Graham, GB TE to ALEX
GARR traded Kerryon Johnson, Det RB to ALEX
GARR traded Josh Gordon, NE WR to ALEX

ALEX traded James Conner, Pit RB to GARR
ALEX traded Michael Thomas, NO WR to GARR
ALEX traded Trey Burton, Chi TE to GARR
ALEX traded Jamaal Williams, GB RB to GARR   

JW3: one word you jabroni: COLLUSION. With a side of un-lubed buttplay.  The only way you do this trade is if the other person owns your b-hole

CNV: Well that was far more graphic than I could’ve ever possibly imagined. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle your answer, but the third trade Alex Garrison made was with you. Care to take us behind the scenes on how that trade developed and was consummated?

JW3: Yeah I took the dolphin approach, you see. I’m all innocent just flipping in the ocean doing tricks and shit and you just throwing me fish..mackerel..and just loving it. I made him feel all safe. Like there’s no way this precious creature of the deep sea could harm him. Then when he feeds me that last fish...I WRAPPED MY 15ft RETRACTABLE PENIS AROUND HIS NECK AND TOOK WHAT I DEEMED MINES

CNV: I think I need to take a hot shower and drink some purel. I’m just going to leave a list of the other teams in the league and you can email me your quick take on each.

CNV: Dental Dam Nation

JW3: She aight. Two best receivers on her squad with the GOAT at the helm.

CNV: Gonna give you that bad JuJu

JW3: This walking bouncy castle got a decent squad. Dance moves is trash tho [Editor’s Note: They aren’t]

CNV: Rocks Rocks

JW3: Trash. Big ups Mr. Storey!

CNV: DollaDollaBills BoutDaBenjamins

JW3: didn’t i just beat him? Wtf is your team name??

CNV: Deanie Baby

JW3: I swear I didn’t even know he was still in the league

CNV: Barrow is a Njoku

JW3: Barrow is a Njoku. He’s also a black asshole that trades for busted RBs whose offense runs better without them. Yo squad trash tho too. FOH

CNV: Nothing but a Jimmy G Thang

JW3: yo squad garbage just like yo qb’s knee

CNV: Coop a loop

JW3: Phil you dick. Yo team name garbage. Whole squad a bunch of backups and old men

CNV: Finkle is Einhorn

JW3: he ain’t gunna play man just let him go

CNV: Extra Regular Style

JW3: Can’t wait till you can’t keep Kamara anymore ya ole sterling shepard motherfucka

Week 4 Preview (Part 1): Casey Edition

  

Week 4 Preview

After 3 weeks of play there’s only one unbeaten and one thoroughly beaten. Everyone else is somewhere between the Official Land Cloud of the CCL and Philatio’s Power Bottom of a team.  Week 4 marks the beginning of the dreaded Bye week, but this week doesn’t look to be particularly painful for the CCL as only the Panthers and R-Words on Bye. Both of those teams could use a week off to figure out how to pass the ball downfield. As for the CCL, there’s still a whole lot of season left to figure out who’s a contender and who’s a pretender. If Princess Beyonce wore Quincy Carter's jersey, then absolutely anything can happen. Let’s take a look at Week 4:

              

Finkle is Einhorn (1-2) vs. Dental Dam Nation (2-1)

Pappy is still reeling from that Le'Veon pick and the decision to bench his QB1 last week. To make matters worse, Handy will be trotting out Le'Veon’s more than capable replacement as well as arguably the two best wide receivers in the NFL. Pappy will need the Patriots to keep forgetting that they’re the Patriots in order to avoid a 1-3 start. ESPN has Handy pegged as an 11.8 point favorite, which is ironic, since she’s typically the one doing the pegging in her household.

Prediction: Handy treats Pappy’s team to an ole fashioned Alex Garrison Special.

DollaDollaBills BoutDaBenjamins (1-2) vs. Barrow is a Njoku (1-2)

This will be the only matchup of 1-2 teams this week. There’s a big difference between 2-2 and 1-3, so this matchup will be particularly intense. Personally, I’m terrified of Pierce’s running backs, especially since mine have underperformed or been MIA. It looks like we’re both Bye week-free and will be at full strength this Sunday. ESPN currently predicts a 0.2 point victory for Barrow is a Njoku, so this one may go down to the wire Monday night.

Prediction: No fucking clue; will pray for victory.

              

Nothin but a Jimmy G Thang (1-2) vs. Extra Regular Style (2-1)

I feel for Jason this week. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s been listening to “Nuthin’ But A G Thang” constantly since the moment he drafted Jimmy G. Probably on the way home, after a long day of work, during that fleeting moment of serenity before he got home and put on his dad cap. For heaven’s sake, he’s starting Joe Freakin’ Falco at QB this week. Is he Elite? No, he most definitely is not. All signs point to a comfortable victory for Alex Garrison’s favorite sexual position. Run CMC is on Bye and Cory’s playing extra regular defense this week in starting a Ravens WR.

Prediction: Extra Regular Style cruises to 3-1.

Deanie Baby (1-2) vs. Coop a loop . (0-3)

I can’t focus on anything but Phil’s shitty looking team name. “Coop’a’Loop” should be a cool, fun team name that plays off Amari Cooper’s name and a memorable scene from Old School. Instead, it looks like something a meth head etched into his arm while jones’ing for that next hit of that sweet, sweet blue.

As for football stuff, Deanie Baby is still feeling the loss of Joe Mixon, while Phil has benefited tremendously from Tevin Coleman and TJ Yeldon filling in for the ailing Freeman and Fournette. That may change this week with Fournette maybe, possibly, potentially returning to action. ESPN predicts a less than one point spread without Phil fielding a full lineup. We’ll see if that changes between now and Sunday.

Prediction: Nice Dean will get a nice win this week.

  

Gonna give you that bad JuJu (3-0) vs. Rocks Rocks (2-1)

I don’t think we’ve seen a father-son battle of this proportion since He Got Game. I might need DJ to Facetime me on Sunday to get a look at Kenthousand and his Mountain Yeti son watching these games. Personally, I got Kenthousand all the way in this matchup. There’s no way Storey has been able to focus on anything this week but his big movie premiere on Friday. I mean, that's him up there trying to count to four. No matter what happens this weekend, we’re all winners cause Storey’s movie looks amazing and we’ll finally find out which mountain he walked down before becoming a part of our lives.

Prediction: Storey will be celebrating his movie’s first weekend ticket sales, while rubbing a hole through his shirt as he takes that L for the first time this season.

Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich (2-1) vs. Prior To The Snap (2-1)

In any other week, the Clash of the Storeys would be an easy pick for Matchup of the Week, but we’ll soon find out this isn’t any other week #Part2Teaser. While he still hasn’t figured out what his team name should be, JW3 is currently a 24 point favorite over Alex G. Chris Thompson, the key piece in the deal that sent all of Alex G’s good players to Handy’s side of the bed, is on Bye. With Devonta still on the mend, Pegasaurus R(al)ex will be starting two backup RBs and Blake Bortles against one of the top teams in the CCL. Unless he can trade for a whole new team between now and Sunday, I don’t see this going well for third coolest Garrison in this league.

Prediction: Scrote Sandwich gonna eat this week.

Week 3 Preview: Sam Likes Trades

It's Week 3, which means the players have shaken off the offseason rust and the fantasy season is in full swing. There's plenty of season left, but the last two weeks have given us an idea of which teams could be in contention (six teams scored more than 140 points) and which teams may struggle to make it to the postseason. Before we get into it, here's what happened last week.

JW defeated Casey by a score of 157.1-101.5. The win puts JW at 1-1 and Casey falls to 0-2.

Alex's 158.9 points were too much for Pat (104.4). Alex moves to 2-0, while Pat sits at 1-1.

Jason P beat Mandy, 166.5-115.7. Both teams are 1-1 moving into Week 3.

Kyle defeated Cory by a score of 171.9-138.5. Kyle is 2-0 and Cory is now 1-1.

Ken beat Dean, 124.4-114.2, moving both teams to 1-1.

I beat Phil by a score of 146.1-97.7. Phil joins Casey at 0-2 and I got back to .500.

Everybody has a lookalike, and some of us have celebrity lookalikes. For example, I look like Sloth from the Goonies and Kyle looks exactly like Phil Mickelson, so much so that it's creepy.

He needs to win the league so he has the money to play Tiger.

Alex has a couple, though. They may not look exactly like him but watching them for five minutes screams "That's Alex Garrison!" I'm talking, of course about Sam Duvet from Detroiters, and Titus from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Don't know what I'm talking about? Just have a look.

There really isn't much of a reason in pointing this out other than because it's funny and I wanted to. It's not much of a segue into a new segment, our trade tracker.

Everybody remembers last year when Alex made about 30 trades and ended up as the league champion. One would think that he's following that same model, but he hasn't traded as much as everybody thinks. So far this season he has made only two trades, not quite on pace to get to the 16 trades he made last year.... that's the real number... SIXTEEN!

Alex: 2 trades
Jason G: 2 trades
JW: 1 trade
Kyle: 1 trade
Jason P: 1 trade
Mandy: 1 trade

Recipe of the Week:

It's September, but at least in Cincinnati, it doesn't feel like it at all, and since it's still in the mid 80's outside it's still grilling season. Some chicken kabobs are a good finger food for football season, and  you can find a good recipe here. If you aren't into kabobs, though, you can always go to BW3 for wings made straight from the heart. Also, in case you weren't aware, BW3 is now owned by Arby's.

Week 3 Preview:

Barrow in a Njoku vs Finkle is Einhorn

You would think that after using a first-round pick on Bell, Pat would be 0-2, but that's not the case. Heading into Week 3 Pat has a better than good chance to be 2-1, which would mean Casey would fall to 0-3. Pat has Bernard, who is getting the start for Mixon for the Bengals, and Hill and Rogers. The trio will likely be a little much for Casey's David Johnson and Allen Robinson.

Score: Pat 119-111
Line: Pat -3.4

Dolla Dolla Bills Bout Da Benjamins vs Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich

Which of these teams will be 2-1 after Week 3? Well JW has Mahomes, Barkley and OBJ, who all have the ability to completely go off. Jason P has Gurley, Fitzgerald and Thielen, but it likely won't be enough. So the answer to the earlier question is probably JW.

Score: JW 124-109
Line: JW -2.1

Dental Damnation vs Prior to the Snap

Because Alex's most recent trade gave Mandy Michael Thomas to go along with AB, the week he plays her, he's doomed. There's not much else to say about this game.

Score: Mandy 133-96
Line: Mandy -25.6

Extra Regular Style vs Deanie Baby

The combination of Zeke and Kamara is going to be tough to beat week in and week out, but Dean does have Fitzmagic and Hunt on the roster. This could be a close game, but I think it's ultimately Cory who comes out on top.

Score: 127-122
Line: Cory -22.5

Coop a Loop vs Rocks Rocks

Phil is one of the two 0-2 teams, and outside of Julio he doesn't have a ton of help in the scoring department. That's why I don't see him getting his first win this week. I don't think it will be a blowout, but I do see Ken squeaking out a win in this one. He just has a more well-rounded team.

Score: 112-100
Line: Ken -19.3

Nothin' but a Jimmy G Thang vs Gonna Give you That Bad JuJu

Kyle has Adams, Kelce, and Kam, but I don't think those three will be enough to lead his team over mine, featuring CMC, Howard, and Green. The combination of Cam and CMC could be interesting, especially if Cam throws a couple touchdown passes to the running back. This will be a close one.

Score: 132-128
Line: Jason -10.4

Week 3 Haiku:

Season in full swing
Wheat separates from the chaff
Best teams start to shine

Week 2 Preview: The Curious Case of Le'Veon Bell

🧐

— Le'Veon Bell (@LeVeonBell) September 9, 2018

That's the tweet Le'Veon Bell sent when James Conner fumbled last Sunday, officially making him a tier-one dickhead.

Who actually misses Bell? I know deep down the Steelers do. Conner had a solid game, rushing for over 100 yards and for two scores, but who's saying Bell wouldn't have done that and more? He's missed probably by the fantasy players who lost this week after they had taken him in the first round of the draft (so not Pat), but do Steelers fans miss him? Do his teammates? Do you?

When Roethlisberger threw his interception in overtime that basically ended the game in a tie, the Browns were playing Cover 2, which is a defense they probably couldn't have been playing had Bell been on the field.

He's one of the best RBs in the league, so the NFL is better with him than without him, but, to be honest, I hate him, and that has nothing to do with the fact that he plays for the team I hate the most. He's a me-first guy, and most football fans hate that.

We're all Bengals and Browns fans. How would you feel if Bell played for your team and was holding out heading into Week 2, even if you had a capable back to run the ball?

Here is where I'd put a poll, but I don't know how to do that yet.

First, we recap last week's shitshow:

-Alex took down Casey, thanks to great performances from James Conner, Michael Thomas, and Alex Smith.

-Mandy leaned on TB12, Chris Thompson, and AB for a nice win against JW, who didn't have a ton of help outside of Mahomes and Adams.

-Pat beat Jason P in a close one. He didn't have much help, but the huge games from Rogers and Hill pushed him over the top.

-Cory laid the hurt on Ken, getting 60 points out of his running backs alone. Gronk had a big game for Ken, but it wasn't enough.

-Kyle squeaked out a win over Phil with just solid play from his QB, RBs and WRs. Phil didn't have as much help outside of Luck and Crowell.

-Dean beat me.

Last week the NFL got off to a solid start. There were some great games and some break out performances, some heart-breaking injuries, and a couple great games. The Bears-Packers rivalry didn't disappoint, nor did Aaron Rogers. The Mahomes era in Kansas City is off to a hot start. Andrew Luck is officially back, and the Browns got off to their best start to a season since 2004...... with a tie. 

It was fun to see James Conner show Bell he may not be needed (until he fumbled), and it was fun to watch Mack show the Raiders that maybe they should have just paid the man. 

It was just fun to be watching NFL football that matters again.

Game of the Week:

Chiefs at Steelers

The Chiefs seem to be legit and the Steelers, who are almost unanimously picked to win the AFC North, just got the wind knocked out of them by the Browns. Teams that go into Week 3 without a win have a very slim chance of making the playoffs, and the Chiefs could provide the rest of the AFC North with some breathing room. 

Players in that game:

Patrick Mahomes - JW

James Conner - Alex

Harrison Butker - Alex

Tyreek Hill - Pat

Antonio Brown - Mandy

Juju Smith-Schuster - Kyle

Travis Kelce - Kyle

Kareem Hunt - Dean

Chris Boswell - Phil

Recipe of the Week:

Football and beer go together like peas and carrots. Know what else goes together with beer? Cheese. Here's a recipe for game day beer cheese. If that seems like more trouble than it's worth, you can always head to BW3 for some wing of the chicken smothered in a variety of sauces to choose from.

I'm beginning to think I should get wings somewhere else.

Here's this week's preview:

Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich vs Barrow is a Njoku

Both teams are off to an 0-1 start, but neither team scored only 60 points in Week 1, meaning they each have the capacity to win a fucking game. JW has the upper hand in this one because of his WRs, Adams and OBJ, also both of Casey's RBs are questionable heading into Week 2.

Line: JW -7.6
Prediction: JW 130-114

Prior to the Snap vs Finkle is Einhorn

Both of these teams are 1-0 and will be looking to start the season off strong with two wins. Alex has Conner, Thomas and Diggs, and even though he's outmatched at TE and WR, his big-name players are capable of putting up a ton of points. He has the advantage over Pat.

Line: Alex -11.5
Prediction: Alex 122-119

Dental Damnation vs Dolla Dolla Bills Bout da Benjamins

Mandy's looking to go 2-0 while Jason P is trying to get back to .500. Kind of the same deal here. Mandy is better at WR and TE, but Jason P has the upper hand at RB and WR1. This will be a close game and could go either way, but if I were a degenerate gambler, and I am, I'd put my money on Jason.

Line: Jason P -4.8
Prediction: Jason P 113-111

All Barkley no Bite vs Extra Regular Style

Cory's team is going to be tough to beat this year with both Zeke and Kamara at RB as well as a good set of Sterling Shepards at WR. Kyle's team is no slouch, though, as both teams are 1-0. The spread on this game is huge, but I think it will be much closer than ESPN thinks and Kyle may even pull off the upset.

Line: Cory -16.6
Prediction: Kyle 134-130

Rocks Rocks vs Deanie Baby

Dean basically peed on my first born child to show his dominance over me in Week 1 and scored a ton of points, which he's capable of doing again, but Ken has a well rounded team highlighted by Hopkins. I don't know if it will be enough, though, to stop Dean from going 2-0.

Line: Ken -10.5
Prediction: Dean 114-109

Coop a Loop vs Nothin but a Jimmy G Thang

I'm looking to bounce back from shitting my pants in Week 1, and Phil is trying to avoid going 0-2 to start the season. Phil has more talent at WR, but Cooper hasn't been able to get going yet for the Raiders and Marvin Jones is Marvin Jones. I've got the advantage at RB, though, but I don't think it will be enough.

Line: Jason G -2.4
Prediction: Phil 122-105

Week 2 Haiku:

Sixty Fucking Points
My Daughter Could Do Better
She Is Only Three

Week 1 Preview: Beginnings Have to Begin Somewhere

Beginnings. Beginnings aren't what you think about near the end of summer. Children mourn the end of their summer break, the heat of July and August starts to dissipate as the leaves show their first signs of changing color, and the flowers that bloomed in the spring and summer whither and die, like all things eventually do. Many consider this transition between Summer and Fall to be a depressing time. Not us, though.

The transition welcomes back football in all its glory. It also brings cooler temperatures, which is wonderful for fat guys like me, and gives Alex Garrison a reason to wear the skinniest of skinny jeans. But most importantly, fantasy football is back. This league has been the reason I get up in the morning, not my kids or family, and certainly not my job. While you now have a small glimpse into the sad reality I call my life, I'd be willing to bet that some of you feel the same way.

It's Week 1 of the Christman Cup Chase, which means it's also Week 1 of the 2018 NFL regular season. This weekend's games are to be celebrated the way we celebrate the end of any great drought, with a smorgasbord of wings, beer and watching as much football as possible. This isn't the preseason. We don't have to watch third-string players who will never grace a fantasy lineup anymore. It's time to watch the stars we drafted play an entire game and go all out. Can you feel it? That electricity in the air? That's the static used to power JW's telegraph machine.... and it's also a little big of the excitement of a new season.

I can only text 10 people at a time, god damnit!

It also means that for the last time, everyone is on the same level. After this weekend, half of the teams in the league will be digging themselves out of a hole while the other half try to continue to mount a lead to get one of the four coveted playoff spots. Some teams are better than others, and if you think you have a crap team, enjoy being tied for first place with a 0-0 record while it lasts.

Game of the Week:

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers

We're about to see if Aaron Rodgers is worth the gazillion dollars the Packers have paid him. Not that he's not good, because he's very good, but because he's going into this season without a ton of firepower on offense. He has DeVante Adams and Jimmy Graham, of course, but Graham isn't the same guy who was catching touchdown passes in New Orleans, and outside of Adams, the wide receivers aren't a lot to write home about. Tom Brady has made a career out of turning a bunch of nobodies into somebodies, but we've yet to see Rodgers do it.

On the other side of the field are the Bears, who come to Green Bay boasting a solid defense, a great offensive line, one of the league's best run games, and a young quarterback who is looking to prove he's worth the number one overall pick from a couple years ago. They also have a new coach who is more offensive minded and has been able to put points on the board in the past.

Who's playing in this game?
Jordan Howard - Jason G
Trey Burton - Jason G
Tarik Cohen - Dean
Geronimo Allison - Jason G
Jamaal Williams - Alex
Allen Robinson- Casey
Anthony Miller - Alex
DeVante Adams - JW
Jimmy Graham - Mandy
Aaron Rodgers - Pat
Randall Cobb - Pat

Recipe of the Week:

Celebrate the beginning of a new season by making a football finger food classic, with a healthy twist. Baked Garlic Parmesan Chicken Wings, for those of you who love wings but also want to avoid fried meats. Find the link here. For those of you that are just fine ingesting a ton of fried chicken meat, go to BW3 for some solid wings and service with a smile!

gotta admit, that looks fuckin' gross

Let's get to the preview.

Barrow is a Njoku at Prior to the Snap

Casey opens the league boasting one of the best starting duos of running backs in David Johnson and Leonard Fournette, but they'll be going up against Alex's solid duo of wide receivers in Michael Thomas and Stefon Diggs. Alex's running backs, Derrick Henry and Jamaal Williams won't hold up against Casey's ground attack, and unless both Thomas and Diggs have big games, as well as tight end Greg Olsen, Casey probably takes this Week 1 matchup with ease.

Line: Casey -5.3
Prediction: Casey 125-114

Ham and Scrote Cheese Sandwich at Dental Damnation

JW and Mandy start off the season in a matchup between the young and old quarterbacks. JW is starting the Chiefs Patrick Mahomes while Mandy is sticking with old man Tom Brady. It's also a battle between two of the highest paid and talented wide receivers in the league. JW has OBJ and mandy will be starting AB, both of whom are capable of monster fantasy numbers. JW has had his thumb on the rest of the league when it comes to a spot in the playoffs for a few seasons now thanks to some keepers, but now without Bell or the first pick in the draft, his team is a little more human. I think Mandy exploits that this weekend.

Line: Mandy -6.3
Prediction: Mandy 116-99

Finkle is Einhorn vs Dolla Dolla Bills About Da Benjamins

Pat and Jason are in the battle of age versus not having much age as well, but at the wide receiver position. I'm talking, of course, about Jason P's Kelvin Benjamin and old man Larry Fitzgerald vs Pat's Cory Davis and Tyreek Hill. On top of that, there's the battle between two future hall of fame quarterbacks Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger. I think it's going to be a close matchup, but I'm going with experience over age and beauty. Jason P takes this one.

Line: Jason P -3.1
Prediction: Jason P 104-97

Extra Regular Style vs Rocks Rocks Preview

Let's get this out of the way, Cory's team is ridiculous. He has the defending OROY paired with Zeke at running back and the guy who would have won OROY had he not gotten hurt at QB. He also has two solid TEs in Walker and Ertz. Ken has Hopkins and Gronk, but it's not going to be enough to take down Cory in Week 1.

Line: Cory -7.6
Prediction: Cory 129-105

All Barkley No Bite vs I'm Pablina's Bitch

Kyle has Cam, who can put up 20 with his legs, as well as Barkley, who is going to get a ton of carries, though they'll come against a top defense. He also has Kelce at TE. Phil has Julio, Cooper and a healthy Luck, but unless Luck posts great numbers, his RBs are too outclassed to win this week.

Line: Kyle -0.3
Prediction: Kyle 109-102

Deanie Baby vs Burton Ernie

Dean is relying a lot on the Bengals as well as Luck being Luck again by starting Mixon, Ross, and Hilton. He does have Hunt and a future HOF QB in Brees, though. I'll be starting CMC, Howard, Green, and Baldwin, but my quarterback and tight end situation my be a little shaky.

Line: Jason G -2
Prediction: Jason G 114-111

As you can probably tell, I wasn't quite prepared for football season to creep up on us the way it did and I've been suffering from a nasty case of writers block. That's what happens when a couple kids come out and stomp on your soul and shit on your dreams. I love those little fuckers, though.

As the season gets going, these will get better, I promise.

Week 1 Haiku
Football is back now
No bets for hot wings this year
Our balls have dropped off

I wish you all the worst of luck.

-Jason G